Hair of the Dog
from Maggie in London
Sometimes that dead pelt atop the head of the Duchess of Cornwall appears to pay homage-to-Dynasty (appropriately), sometimes it's just candy-floss (well, not so appropriate)'either way it's costing '1,600 a pop every time Queen Camilla gets out of bed'which may not be all that often. We can only assume that a lit fag and a neat whisky set on a silver tray placed discretely across the enormous darkened room can get her out from under her hand-embroidered silk duvet.
But then according to sources, she rarely
lifts a tiny finger'although we hear she is still
feeding herself. But living such a rarefied royal
existence can be a bit risky. When in India, her
personal footman failed to respond when she trustingly
placed her bum on the chair that wasn't there. He was
following the needs of the prince and protocol. Oh oops.
Whatever that flipping, flipped beige confection resting on Camilla's head is - pretty it isn't.
Do you think her celebrity stylist to the stars, Hugh Green, is laughing all the way to his financial advisor? His monthly bill is '5,500 and Camilla won't allow anyone else to touch a single bleached hair on her head. Ever clever Hugh invoiced for a taxi ride from London to Highgrove; when out of sight, Camilla boarded the royal train and slept on her spun-helmet-hair on an overnight journey.
One of many outraged courtiers sniffed:
'The only other member of the Royal Family who has a
hairdresser on standby is the Queen. The rest of them do
it themselves and just bring someone in for special
occasions.' When QC went to the US last year, Hugh
accompanied on the private jet, spending a fortnight
spinning Camilla's coiffure into a blowsy bird's nest
waiting for spring at a mere '8,000. Her highlights cost
'300'her daily makeup costs '500. Not quite value for
Queen Camilla is costing us an astonishing '1.8m a year. Now we have two extravagant wastrels to add to our mounting taxes. Charles denies her nothing; he doesn't really have to though does he? As luck would have it, his income from the Duchy of Cornwall increased from '800,000 to '14,000,000 last year. From all those organic butter biscuits.?
We all knew about Charles' indulgences, and have presumed regarding Camilla's, but now we have been boldly lied to by his private secretary, Sir Michael Peat: 'She lives in a house that's already there, she travels with the prince and on three occasions she went on an aircraft on her own. It came to '2,000.'
Must have been those three impressive
charity engagements. Well, she has said that she only
wanted to play a 'supporting' role. A euphemism for lazy
cow? Someone: get that woman another fag.
A royal source (where would we be without them I ask?) commented: 'Only a fool would think Camilla costs only '2,000 a year. It's staggering that so much money will be spent on a home she rarely puts foot in. They're guarding an empty house most of the time.'
This in reference to her fourth or even her fifth house, Raymill House, where '850,000 of the '1.8m is going. It is said to be a bit of a tip''very untidy'.
We are all paying for round the clock policing, the installation of hi-tech surveillance equipment and a four-bed 'bungalow' - costing hundreds of thousands of pounds alone - for police officers, plus a new tree-lined road leading to the '2m home away from home(s).
Camilla and kids, Laura and Tom, were
uncomfortable with police presence in a flat in the
courtyard. The police are relegated to a mobile unit
until their new lodge is completed. Indeed. I do hope
they aren't waiting on our checks. 32 year old Tom has
clearly demonstrated regressive behaviour by handing in
taxi receipts for his day-to-day expenses. Or perhaps
he's just greedy. Apple'tree'dear me.
In actual fact, C & C stay at their official residence, Clarence House, when in London.
Weekends are spent at Highgrove just a 17 mile walk in wellies from Raymill. And then there is Birkhall in summer ' their Scottish retreat. Nausea yet? Try this then. Charles proudly announced that he opened his limitless royal purse to pay for the refurbishment of a bedroom and a bathroom for Camilla when extravagant renovation and redecoration took place in 2003 to recreate a 19th century Clarence House.
Do you suppose they sleep separately? Is that so as not to bother Chas when she rolls over wearing one of her tiaras to bed?
Oh Hugh, another '1,600'.
About the Author:
Maggie is from Manhattan, where she was a painter, then designer of clothing, objects, textiles, interiors while writing for various publications and her own webzine. She is permanently based in London, the city of irony, where she writes regularly to her gal pal Lulu in New York.
You can read her amusing tales about London's daily life, people, current events, politics, fashion and culture at her website www.lettersfromlondon.com.