Savvy womens Magazine


Can't Buy Me Love When I'm 64

'Give me '100 mil or I will make your life hell!' 'No chance!'

by Maggie from London

Darling Lulu,

Yes, chance. A very good chance. Heather Mills wants cash, lots of it and is apparently willing to go to extreme lengths to obtain it. Nothing new there.

Newspapers are taking sides against nasty Paul or fantasist Heather, and it's not just the tabloids who are doing back flips and backslaps ' every paper is chock-full of the acrimonious and salacious sensations; choking, wine glass stem stabbing, breast possessiveness, frothing with rage, drunken, stoned, vomit covered and that's just for starters.

Paul McCartney & Heather MillsNo accusations of hideous hair dye as yet. To be honest, Paul was never my favourite Beatle. Try to sing, silently please, the first bars of Eleanor Rigby free of an involuntary gag reflex.

And on the other side we have ketchup bottle chucking with same bottle barely missing Sir Paul, but mucking up an expensive carpet and a pristine wall. Specialist cleaning experts had to be called in and the precious carpet replaced.

How truly tragic. Smashed chairs, broken ornaments, (Christmas ornaments?), rudeness, withholding sex. Dear me, dear me. Two solipsists slugging it out.

All these poisonous, prejudicial allegations are pointless really as the information leaked on both sides will have no bearing on the case and now they both want all to be made available to their waiting public in court.

A legal source has informed the tabloids: 'She wants to lay bare everything that happened in the marriage and make sure everyone hears her side of the marriage.' Hmmm, we've seen her laid bare and we've heard most of it ' with the exception of the 'dynamite' (her words) recordings of Sir Paul in his raging moments. Can't wait.

So - there will be no more Sir Paul 'bringing me breakfast in bed every morning, no matter how he feels. And I do the dinner, so we've got that agreement. It's thoughtfulness,' from Heather's recently published book, the ironically titled Life Balance. No matter how hungover from excessive daily alcohol/spliff imbibing/inhaling; what a trouper that Sir Paul. In the leaked court papers Sir Paul refused to allow Ms Mills to 'get out of bed in the morning even though she would wake up early and wish to use the time for essential physiotherapy for her leg and to attend to emails and administrative tasks before the staff arrived or their child woke up.'

Back to the book: 'As a working wife and mother I have learnt that setting the alarm 30 minutes earlier each morning can make all the difference. It allows me a little bit of personal space before the day begins.' Darling, where's the staff? I feel confusion coming on.

This is the very same Heather Mills who has been on her hands and knees - mountaineering up the steep stairs of private jets following Sir Paul like a faithful Labrador, dragging herself nightly to the lavatory in another wing of their house when Sir P refused to allow an antique bedpan to share the bedroom with them, crawling out of the family home whilst hauling her wheelchair, crutches, suitcases and leg when she left for ever. Some would say 'good exercise'.

This is the very same Heather Mills who has been taking on the identity of a journalist of the same name'going to meetings with TV executives in her attempt to get on telly. Clearly those porn pics in print weren't sufficient.

This is the very same Heather Mills who has been accusing Sir P of beating deceased wife, Linda Eastman. Wouldn't those two 'Pass the spliff Love' have been too stoned to get involved in physical violence? Jane Asher ' posh/actress, Linda Eastman ' nouveau riche/groupie, Heather Mills ' porn star/highly paid escort; possibly a pattern emerging here? Best not to even try to imagine the next Lady McCartney.

Baby Beatrice? Beatrice? Who's Beatrice? Sir P has withdrawn security protection for his child when Heather takes her out and about. If this potential Easterners' episode concerns the custody of the child, as has been suggested, neither narcissist deserves to parent her. But wait. There is always hope. There are always more of the ego-driven out there. There is always Madonna. Time to post little Bea's photo on the web while Madonna is still sibling shopping. 'Guy! Look! She looks just like me! Ring the lawyer! Now!'

The latest is that 8-month pregnant Stella McCartney had to be dissuaded, ie., restrained from attacking Heather' so then violence does run in the family? Clearly Ms Mills was being provocative; she was wearing a pair of Stella's designer boots. Sir P is begging Heather to seek psychiatric help. No transparent motivation here. Heather has naturally refused. A source close to them has stated: 'Paul has been in the public eye for nearly five decades and these are the very worst things that have ever been said about him.'

Sir P has announced plans for yet another world tour ostensibly to 'get over Heather', dedicating the potentially grossing '60M to Linda and by the by, recoup court costs. Surely we wouldn't want his '850M to dip below would we? Heather plans to sue three British newspapers for destroying her reputation. Look for Heather's face to represent new charities after the divorce. Helping the homeless and victims of domestic violence.

A civilised divorce? Not a chance; more like fur flying from furious ferrets in a sack. At this point, Kate Moss has jumped into the fray. She's willing to go to court to refute Heather's crawling claims having seen Heather 'jumping around like a f****** gazelle'. Now there's a reliable source if there ever was one.

You truly couldn't make this stuff up.


Maggie xx

About the Author:
Maggie is from Manhattan, where she was a painter, then designer of clothing, objects, textiles, interiors while writing for various publications and her own webzine. She is permanently based in London, the city of irony, from where she writes regularly to her gal pal Lulu in New York.  

You can read her amusing tales about London's daily life, people, current events, politics, fashion and culture at her website

Read more of Maggie's stories to her gal pal Lulu at Letters from London