Savvy womens Magazine

 

Cut Mom (Me) a Friggin' Break Day

At last, a holiday I can embrace. . .

by Kathleen Wooton M.D.

On the second Sunday of May, children from all over the mighty U.S. of A honor Mom with gifts of cards, flowers, and meals not prepared by Mom's fair hands. Many mothers really enjoy such niceties. They live for such things. I am not one of them.

I'm far too cynical to fall for such overt sentimentality.

Mother's Day is a holiday conceived by retailers to boost sales of cards and sub-par merchandise that Moms are just too polite to openly mock. Retailers make out like bandits on the "it's the thought that counts" mindset. What a crock.


I want a holiday that benefits me directly. A holiday that cannot be commercialized, watered down, or sentimentalized by some schmaltzy Hallmark card (or worse, a Hallmark TV Special). A holiday that is all about and for me, that benefits me and nobody else but me. A holiday when my word is law and there is no back-sassing from hormonal teens or kwetching from grouchy middle-aged husbands.

I don't think I'm alone on this, either - I'm sure there are plenty of mothers with similar family dynamics that would applaud such a holiday.


Well, I'm here to propose a Very Special Holiday just for disgruntled Wife-slash-Mothers such as myself. A special holiday like this deserves an equally "special" name, so here it is :

Cut Mom (Me) a Friggin' Break Day


On this day, Mom is totally exempt from any and all calamities, catastrophes, skirmishes, squabbles, foul tempers, evil humors, acts of God, or any and all other unpleasantness that was not planned or orchestrated by Mom for her own perverse enjoyment (dance, puppets, dance). For example :


The dog has taken a dump on your bedroom floor and you've just stepped in it and tracked it down a flight of stairs and into the kitchen - Cut Mom a Friggin' Break and clean it up yourself.


Your sister has just called you "stupid head" for the eightieth time today and you felt the only way to retaliate was to pour her nail polish in her underwear drawer and mix well? So, now she's flushed your favorite car down the toilet and you now want me to kill your sister and snake the toilet to retrieve the car? Cut Mom a Friggin' Break and go tell your Dad, I want no part of this!


The water for the spaghetti is boiling and you want your dinner now so you've sent the kids to pound on the bathroom door to tell me that it's boiling, while I'm in the midst of relieving myself, thank you very much. Cut me a Friggin' Break and start the goddamn spaghetti yourself, I'm not rushing on your behalf!


The possibilities here are as endless as a Mom's imagination. On "Cut Mom (Me) a Friggin' Break Day", if it's unpleasant and it's not the direct result of one of my machinations, the involved parties will just have to work things out themselves. Now that's my idea of a holiday!

About the Author:
Kathleen Wooton M.D. describes herself as a budding humorist when she's not fulfilling her other roles as a physician, wife, mother and pet owner.  She says being a woman in today's complex world requires some re-evaluation of some time-honored traditions. 

Discover more of Kathy's delightful humor here...