Cut Mom (Me) a Friggin' Break Day
At last, a holiday I can embrace. . .
by Kathleen Wooton M.D.
On the second Sunday of May, children from all over the mighty U.S. of A honor Mom with gifts of cards, flowers, and meals not prepared by Mom's fair hands. Many mothers really enjoy such niceties. They live for such things. I am not one of them.
I'm far too cynical to fall for such overt sentimentality.
Mother's Day is a holiday conceived by
retailers to boost sales of cards and sub-par
merchandise that Moms are just too polite to openly
mock. Retailers make out like bandits on the "it's the
thought that counts" mindset. What a crock.
I want a holiday that benefits me directly. A holiday
that cannot be commercialized, watered down, or
sentimentalized by some schmaltzy Hallmark card (or
worse, a Hallmark TV Special). A holiday that is all
about and for me, that benefits me and nobody else but
me. A holiday when my word is law and there is no
back-sassing from hormonal teens or kwetching from
grouchy middle-aged husbands.
I don't think I'm alone on this, either -
I'm sure there are plenty of mothers with similar family
dynamics that would applaud such a holiday.
Well, I'm here to propose a Very Special Holiday just
for disgruntled Wife-slash-Mothers such as myself. A
special holiday like this deserves an equally "special"
name, so here it is :
Cut Mom (Me) a Friggin' Break Day
On this day, Mom is totally exempt from any and all
calamities, catastrophes, skirmishes, squabbles, foul
tempers, evil humors, acts of God, or any and all other
unpleasantness that was not planned or orchestrated by
Mom for her own perverse enjoyment (dance, puppets,
dance). For example :
The dog has taken a dump on your bedroom floor and
you've just stepped in it and tracked it down a flight
of stairs and into the kitchen - Cut Mom a Friggin'
Break and clean it up yourself.
Your sister has just called you "stupid head" for the
eightieth time today and you felt the only way to
retaliate was to pour her nail polish in her underwear
drawer and mix well? So, now she's flushed your favorite
car down the toilet and you now want me to kill your
sister and snake the toilet to retrieve the car? Cut Mom
a Friggin' Break and go tell your Dad, I want no part of
this!
The water for the spaghetti is boiling and you want your
dinner now so you've sent the kids to pound on the
bathroom door to tell me that it's boiling, while I'm in
the midst of relieving myself, thank you very much. Cut
me a Friggin' Break and start the goddamn spaghetti
yourself, I'm not rushing on your behalf!
The possibilities here are as endless as a Mom's
imagination. On "Cut Mom (Me) a Friggin' Break Day", if
it's unpleasant and it's not the direct result of one of
my machinations, the involved parties will just have to
work things out themselves. Now that's my idea of a
holiday!
About the Author:
Kathleen Wooton M.D. describes herself as a budding
humorist when she's not fulfilling her other roles as a
physician, wife, mother and pet owner. She says
being a woman in today's complex world requires some
re-evaluation of some time-honored traditions.
Discover more of Kathy's delightful humor here...
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