Santa Claus:
by Kathleen Wooton M.D.
A Right Jolly Old Elf, or an Elderly Obese Male with a Cookie Fixation?
With a deadline fast approaching, and the start of
the Holiday Trifecta on the horizon (Hanukkah, Christmas
and Kwanzaa), I find myself scrambling to put together
the perfect column for the season. A column sparkling
with wit, nostalgia, and relevance that transcends
personal deities, allowing us to embrace our common bond
of humanity. I want to give you all a gift, to thank you
for letting me grace your computer screen.
I know this is a humor column, but just this once, I'm
not intentionally going for the funny bone. Christmas
this year has changed at the Casa de Wooton, and I am
holding Santa Claus, and his dietary excesses,
personally responsible. Mr. Claus has been the poster
'child' for obesity and indulgence for decades, and his
portly countenance has only served to underscore the
epidemic of obesity so evident in Western society.
So, the humorist in me is going after Santa Claus, the
toy delivery icon to children worldwide. Please don't
run me out on a rail, hear me out - I was a physician
before I took the economically downward career plummet
that landed me here. Don't get me wrong, I love writing,
that's not my angle here. A cherished family member of
mine was hospitalized the day after American
Thanksgiving. It was determined that Type 2 diabetes was
the condition behind the infection my loved one
suffered. I submit that Mr. Claus, with his
jelly-shaking belly, love for cookies, and lack of
exercise in the face of morbid obesity, is the
embodiment of Type 2 diabetes, and he's making it look
fun, indeed, jolly, if you will.
Type 2 diabetes is a condition that occurs when a
patient can not release enough insulin from the pancreas
to meet the blood glucose level. Obesity, along with a
family history of diabetes, are major risk factors for
the disease. Hypertension is often present, with the
same risk factors (obesity, family history). Obesity,
hypertension, and diabetes have even been found to be
part of a disorder known as polyglandular syndrome.
Would it surprise you all if I told you that high
cholesterol and lipid levels are also associated with
this constellation of diseases? Diabetes can cause heart
disease, loss of limbs, stroke, blindness, and kidney
disease. It can be treated with judicious underuse of
eating utensils, specifically, weight loss. That, and
exercise.
Mr. Claus is MR TYPE 2 DIABETES, wrapped in an
ermine-trimmed red suit. He keeps a list, checks it
twice, while sitting on his ample derriere, scarfing
down high carb, high fat, low fiber, high calorie
cookies and whole 'triple coronary bypass' milk. He's
not doing physical work (the elves build the toys), he's
too lazy to upgrade the sleigh (eight reindeer pulling
his ample assets, those animals have to pass a stress
test to pull the sleigh), and as for the chimney
descents - well, I saw the Santa movies. The magic
bagful of toys propels Santa down the chimney. Heck, I
bet the toys place themselves around the tree.
Think carefully about what adults do around the
holidays. Wherever there is a seasonal party, there are
scores of adults piling on the party food, and the
pounds. And the family holidays, well, there are usually
huge platters of food, large disposable plates, and lots
of recreational eating. Fats, processed carbs, enough
protein to last the winter - all eaten rapidly, until
the pants buttons are unloosed.
And Santa, the adjustable robe wearing, corpulent gift
giver - he's smiling as he steals all the cookies. I
doubt his pancreas can handle the millions of cookies
without supplemental insulin. Between you all and me, I
bet he is directly admitted to the North Pole General
Hospital Intensive Care Unit right after his last toy
delivery, in a diabetic stupor.
We don't need to be pushing the image of a rotund cookie
and milk addict to enjoy the holiday spirit. We don't
need mountains of food to share the season's joy with
our families and friends. Love can be freely given
without a single excess morsel passing the lips, by
passing on the love and joy while passing over the
culinary largesse. By curbing the indulgences so common
during the Holiday Trifecta, you are literally saving
what is most precious to you, your life, and the lives
of your loved ones.
This year, cherish the gift of life you have been given.
Santa, well he's on his own.
'2006 Kathleen M. Wooton, M.D.
Discover more of Kathy's delightful humor here...
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