Putting The "Mom" Back In "MILF"
Humorist Susan Reinhardt says the way to
a husband's heart
is through his wife's chest
by Danny Gallagher
Susan Reinhardt doesn't put much stock into the gobs of martial and sexual advice dispensed through magazines like Redbook, Ladies' Home Journal or Women's World.
After having two kids, some pieces published in The Washington Post and a new book of humorous essays called "Not Tonight, Honey - Wait 'Til I'm a Size 6", she got breast implants.
"I figure this, if you're going to breastfeed two children for three years and you start to look like the white centerfold of the National Geographic, you deserve a little help," Reinhardt said.
This wasn't a decision she made overnight. First, she talked to her doctor.
"My doctor told me if you didn't get the implants, it would be like pulling socks up over a boney shin," Reinhardt said. It also took months of careful thought, long discussions with her husband, jazz musician Stuart Reinhardt, and years of public humiliation in front of her kid's friends.
"I was tired of duct taping at the pool," Reinhardt said. "I was the mother with the $1.99 duct tape boob job with the silver tape coming out of her bathing suit top and I thought I don't work out to have this be happening up top."
Everyone in her family took the big changes in different ways when she went from a floppy size B to a busty size D. "So many children come to my house to play Nintendo," Reinhardt remarked. "I thought it was because I had good snacks in the pantry."
Her "Mama" didn't take her two most recent developments with much Southern grace. "My mother being a Southern Baptist proper lady said, "It's just not classy to get breast augmentation," Reinhardt said. "If you just had a lift that would be one thing but you got implants. That's not classy."
Her old man wasn't all that thrilled either. "My dad's a minister and he's thinking that $6,000 that went under your pecs, that should've gone in the offering plate," Reinhardt said. "But that went in my hope chest, so to speak."
But her husband, the man who she spent a year's worth of car payments on so he could have some new plaything in his bedroom/rec-room, took one look at them and cried. Then he locked himself in the bedroom and didn't come out for four days. It turns out that having her areola reduced wasn't the smoothest move.
"They were so big, I was tuning in the Al-Jazeera network," Reinhardt said. "So I had them reduced to nickels and when I first got out of surgery, they're were like Franken-tits, and he was so horrified. Then when the tape came off and he saw that the nipples went from satellite dishes to nickels or quarters, he said, 'What have you done?' and he started bawling."
Pretty soon, he learned to accept them and their experience was chronicled in a British documentary that they later learned would be called "Plastic Surgery Ruined My Life," which will air on Channel 5 in England this Fall. Reinhardt said they did it just for the money. "It was the big schmooze deal, " Reinhardt said. "They said, [in British accent] 'We just really want to talk to ladies in America because we hear you undergo lots of plastic surgery, and we just want to know about the outcome' when really she just wanted to talk to my husband and why he locked himself in the room for four days and how he wanted the baloney nipples back."
Her mother has also learned how to deal with them when she appears at book signings and public appearances as an author. "My mom says, 'Please wear a jacket to hide them,' " she said. "My Baptist church ladies and my bridge biddies will be there so you must hide them and wear a jacket over them.' Everybody's embarrassed about them but me."
Despite what she might think, Reinhardt said she was just following her mother's sage, Southern advice when it keeps to keeping a happy marriage. "I've got a Southern mother who said, 'Honey whatever you do don't let yourself go to pot or your husband will leave you,' so I tried to work on myself and keep hair highlighted and not be too high maintenance because the only manicures I get are when I bite my nails," Reinhardt said.
She's also learned a couple of other tricks such as not keeping your mouth shut.
"There's so many women who ignore the oral sex aspect of the marriage and relationship, and you just really can't do that, " Reinhardt said. "You have to treat that part of the anatomy like it's an ice cream cone or some fabulous desert because if I were a man, I would not date or marry a woman who refused to do that. I know a lot of woman that won't do it at Christmas and Easter' I have been married for 16 years for a reason."
She's said she's also learned to stay in constant communication with her hubby on all matters sexual, even if her mother always seem to get involved. "He told my Southern Baptist mother this weekend, 'I don't get any anymore, what's wrong with your daughter?'" Reinhardt said. "She goes, 'Oh it's just her hormones, she just needs to get hormones like I did' and I thought why are they talking about this right in front of me?"
She's also learned ways to calm him down
when things get too hot to handle ' by drugging him.
"You poison him with Prozac, it lowers his libido and makes him happy," Reinhardt said. "So I put some in his tea at the doctor's recommendations because he was being such a grump."
She's also learned that changing your appearance doesn't mean someone will fall in love with you all over again, and accepting yourself doesn't ensure you'll be accepted by others. But it doesn't hurt.
"I must say when I'm looking at these 36Ds, I look at my stomach and think, uh oh, I got more work to do," she said.You can get a copy of Not Tonight Honey - Wait 'Til I'm A Size 6 at amazon.com.
About the Author:
Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, reporter, columnist and humorist. He lives in Texas.